omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
