3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
