i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
