he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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