Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
