I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
