Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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