My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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