Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
