Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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