Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
