Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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