i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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