but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
