I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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