I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
