i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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