What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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