a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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