Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
