physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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