she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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