When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
