He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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