i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
