i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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