so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
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I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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