I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
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i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
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Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies