Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it