somebody snuck up and got me drunk
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
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me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible