Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)