You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.