i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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