In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
