Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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