i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize