Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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