She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
