Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
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It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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