It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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