I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
