My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
