I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
