i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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