dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
