I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
