At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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