i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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