stop calling my apartment porn island.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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