Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
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Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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