I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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