Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i think my cat just said my name.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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