sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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