Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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