On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
