Grow some girl-balls and come out already
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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