You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
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The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.