i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.