I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"