He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
