the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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