I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
