JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
