Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
